Re:

How to Break Out of the Appealing Black-Hole of Self-doubt

Question: How do I shine my way out of self-doubt? Answer:

I am currently trying to finish a rough draft of my honors thesis for my History major. It has been difficult over the last year. I have seen my weaknesses for what they are, but in focusing on them I made it nowhere. Progress has been hindered most often by me. I am my own worst enemy.

I had an original date to turn a draft in to my committee. Palms sweating, stomach churning, dark under-eye circles spreading... I was a mess. It hurt to think and grapple with the issues in my paper. It hurt to imagine not getting it done and failing. But what hurt most was my desperate need to gain the approval of people I care about. My black-hole of self doubt could be linked back to my own strengths as a student and writer, but I didn't know it at the time.

The practices which kept me in my own hole of self-doubt?

• mentally rehearsing imagined conversations, critiques, criticisms of my professors
• imagining the failure of not completing a project I had originally desired to complete
• because I had done well in the past, I imagined standards I had set for myself as possibly too high and too lofty to achieve again
• judged my work with a critical eye, looking for problems rather than bright spots

Something changed... It wasn't all my doing. I tend to believe the universe lends a hand in bringing me back down to earth through signs of good faith. My professor emailed me the night my draft was due, after I sent an email asking for an extension pretty-please. He said what I needed to hear. "You are calling the shots. It is your project. Be faithful to the process and trust that giving it the time to breathe will just make it better, not worse. Step away and relax for a bit will ya? I'm in no hurry and neither should you be."

And if that was not enough, another incident pulled me from my own oblivion. Having filled a notebook completely I went to my shelf for another one. I found one I had used briefly for a summer class and flipped open the pages. Dated July 2007 was a page full of affirmative statements I had written to bolster my confidence about my academic goals and dreams. The second line down said, " I will complete my honors thesis and feel good about my body of work as a historian." I had reached through in time to give myself a reality check. I was supposed to be enjoying myself, not killing myself over imperfection.

Dear Liz, you are right- it is painful. Franklin was right too- my trials have been instructive. I believe it is always the most painful when my soul is growing. I learned things about myself during the process of writing, things that required trials and tribulation (even if they were self-created dramas). My black hole was necessary for my own growth as a writer, a student, and a human.

I learned I am:

• a control freak: I need to relax and let the process act naturally- I cannot force something to be perfect
• doing better than I thought: I'm always working toward my sometimes lofty goal then I'm winning- not losing, and if I fall short it is not for lack of effort
• a perfectionist: I'm just not perfect and I'm only competing with myself to be better than before
• don't give myself enough credit: I need to quit looking for opportunities to fail
  
• in too much of a hurry: I want to grow up too fast and I'm in a hurry for no good reason
  
• a closet case: If I don't take the time to live life because I'm always planning the next step- I miss out
• good at setting and achieving goals: I actually can achieve things beyond my own imagined bonds- I surprise myself at what I can do sometimes
  

I don't know if you can tell but I'm a type A personality, and you could correctly label me an "over -achiever" but I also love what I do, and that's why I do it. How did I get out of my black-hole? I let go. I let go of what others might think, i.e. family, friends, professors, strangers. I let go of my own imperfections and rigid goals. I let myself have a break for once. I believed in my own ability to complete and excel with my thesis not because I told everyone I could, but because of my original desire to write about something I liked. I let myself relax and let the writing process be complicated and rewarding. I just let go of me and forgave myself- because I had been my own worst enemy.

Self doubt necessitates faith in oneself and vice verse. The light leads me out of my own cave of negative thoughts. Though it is easy to be tempted back into a sick cycle, I remind myself why I do what I do: "Sophie you do what you do because you love it."

Sophie